My battle with insomnia.

After Keira was born I was certain motherhood cured my insomnia woes. There's no better cure then waking up in the middle of the night to nurse your child, or so I thought.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.  Keira started sleeping through the night at about 3 months old, and slowly, every so slowly, my insomnia started to creep back into my life.  

Before Keira was born, my doctor at the time prescribed Ambien.  While the pill got me to sleep rather quickly, I didn't find the sleep very satisfying.  Either way, I didn't want to go down that road again, especially in light of recent horror stories I've heard about the drug. For this reason, I've tried very hard to combat it naturally.

Unfortunately, melatonin, Nyquil, Unisom, and Benadryl don't work for me.  I have tried working out.  The ideal workout time for me is before work. Of course, if I don't fall asleep until 3AM there's no way I'm going to wake up at 5:40 to exercise.  So I tried moving my workout to after I put Keira to bed at 8pm.  That didn't work either. It just pumped me up! Add to that, reading, praying and watching senseless TV.   While they all made me drowsy, they did nothing to get me over the bridge into dreamland.

It's lonely at 3AM in the morning, but I'm not alone.  I am one of the 60 million who suffer from insomnia in this country.  I've dealt with it off and on since college.  Most episodes last a day or two and then my sleep pattern eventually corrects itself, however, it did not happen this time around.  

My insomnia flared up a little less than a month ago, and has come to a head the past two weeks.  Despite the efforts I stated above, almost every night for two weeks straight, I've fallen asleep between 2:30 and 3:30AM, sometimes after Ryan's gotten up for work.  The rest is short lived. I'm up 7AM at the latest to get to work myself.  I handled it okay... the first week.  I figured my body knows how much sleep it needs.  I tried to convince myself that perhaps 3 hours a night is sufficient for me.  

The second week, which was this past work week, however, I barely made it.  This probably goes without saying, but 3 hours a night is NOT enough to get you through 8 hour work days, plus my nightly home duties that includes cooking dinner and being a mommy to a very active young girl. 

This is how it went:

Sunday: Fell asleep after mid-night, but not too bad considering the week before.

Monday: I took two benadryl, to help with itching from mosquito bites and some melatonin and still didn't fall asleep until 3.  

Tuesday:  Drowsy from the benedryl, I'm sure I did and said some really strange things at work and vowed not to do that again.  At night I took an over-the-counter sleeping pill given to me by a friend who swore it would knock me out.  I took it and melatonin and didn't fall asleep until 3 again!  The night involved a call to my dad, some praying and some unfortunate cursing. 

Wednesday: By 7:30 in the morning, I was on the road headed towards Furman University for a client golf tournament.  During the drive down, I decided, enough was enough.   I tried to pull it together, but I could not deny that my eyes were dark, my thoughts broken, my temper a little short... my entire body and soul had finally met its limit. I was past EXHAUSTED.

In between courting clients with candy and drinks on the golf course, I put a call into my doctor's office.  Forget going natural, I needed some help!  Several calls later, the nurse told me there would be a prescription waiting for me at CVS when I returned.  She didn't say exactly what would be waiting for me, but her promise was enough to give me some relief and hope.  While I was having a great time, I longed for the day to be over!  The drive back up the mountain was a little scary and more affirmation that I was doing the right thing in asking for some "unnatural" help.  Thankfully, I had a co-worker with me to keep me talking and occupied.  I was never so happy and relieved to see our exit.  

Ryan picked up my prescription.  Trazodone.  A little skeptical, I Googled it as soon as I opened my little bag from CVS.  It's actually an antidepressant, often used to help with sleep.  Unlike Ambien, it's not a controlled substance.  It's non-addictive and doesn't come with the scary side affects, like sleepwalking, cooking or driving.  Also, it's generic and therefore very cheap.  Just $3, as compared to $15 or more we've paid for other medicine.  

I took my first pill at 9:30 that night.  Unlike Ambien it didn't knock me out right away.  I have to say, I was a little disappointed.  It also, made my nose feel stuffy.  I had breathe through my mouth!  Was this a side affect?  Still, I fell asleep at about midnight.  It was progress and I was thankful!  

Thursday: I was still exhausted but the night sleep did give me enough energy to make it through the day.  The nurse called me and assured me that trazodone was not a miracle drug and it would take a couple days before I saw any results.  Ah, now it all makes sense!  I was grateful for the call. That night I took another pill.  No stuffiness this time around and I actually fell asleep rather quickly.  UNFORTUNATELY, Dutchie got spooked and barked, waking me up.  Ryan was out with some friends, so I got spooked too.  I thought we had an intruder!  Then as I was dozing off, the alarm went off, mysteriously!  What can I say, the odds were against me.  That was it... I was up and angry (the cursing made a comeback) and didn't fall back asleep again until 2:30AM.

Friday: It was one of the hardest days to get through.  I was fatigued!  My eyes and head were heavy, my stomach nauseous.  I was hopeful, however, because the pill worked better than the night before as the nurse had promised.  It got me to sleep, now I just needed to stay asleep!!!  Fast forward through my foggy day to last night.  I took the pill at 9PM and got in bed to read.  I was asleep by 10 and stayed asleep!  I'm happy to say that I finally got my first full night's sleep of rest in almost two weeks!  Praise God!!!

This morning I felt great!  By the end of the day, however, I hit a wall.  On the way back from a friend's house my stomach turned and felt light headed and dizzy. I quickly remembered that one night's rest would not be enough to recover from a month of sleeplessness.  One step at a time, one night at a time, I'm confident it will get better.

If you are going through something similar, I hope my story can be of some encouragement to you.  I learned this week that insomnia is treatable after all.  You don't have to do it alone!  I know my fight isn't over but thanks to the help of my physician, I feel like I'm finally heading in the right direction.  

My goal now is to focus on getting healthy.  It took me awhile to realize it, but I haven't been healthy in a while.  Consistent sleep will lead to more energy and more energy will result in the ability to get back to working out.  If I'm working out and eating right, I'll better my overall physical health.  And when I'm healthy, I can be a much better wife and mom, not to mention a better employee at work.  So here's to a full night sleep, the start of it all, and to a future better, livelier, healthier me. I can't wait to be her!

Good night, everyone.
  

I'll be your huckleberry!

I moved to Asheville 8 years ago... wow, that's hard to believe.  Almost as soon as I moved here, I quickly learned that my new back yard was the best place for hiking and exploring the outdoors.  The Blue Ridge Mountains of Western North Carolina is home to some of the most beautiful trails, many of them leading to spectacular views, rivers & waterfalls!  Almost every Summer, Ryan & I hike Dupont State Forest, which is where they filmed parts of The Hunger Games. While I love it, I wanted to explore some new trails this year... new to us at least.  Unfortunately, the rain has been relentless this season, and that's an understatement.  Asheville has had the second most wettest year so far, only to be surpassed by Hilo, HI.  Ironic right?  I miss my home state but I don't need the rain to remind me of it! 

As soon as it turned warm in May, my goal was to get us out on 100 hikes!  Yes, that's an exaggeration, but I really, really wanted us to make an effort to live outdoors.  Now that it's September, I'm sad to say we went hiking just ONCE! Oh, well.  Rain gets in the way.... life gets in the way... then rain gets in the way.  It's the story of our summer in a nutshell.  The Saturday of Labor Day weekend, however, I woke up determined to get out and literally as soon as Ryan opened his eyes, I told him, we're going to Graveyard Fields, weather is supposed to be great, get up and get dressed! So we did!  Even Dutchie got to come along on our adventure.

If we were only going to get one hike it, it would be Graveyard Fields.   I've been wanting to do this hike for 8 years, now!  I've been told many tales of this trail off the Blue Ridge Parkway, a little past the Pisgah Inn, where you hike to waterfalls and pick berries all day long. We were on a mission!

The drive up the Parkway to the hike is a little over half an hour from South Asheville, longer during peak tourist season.  We got stuck behind a few leisurely sightseers on the way up & down!  The overlook is at milepost 418.8, but once you see all the cars parked you know you've arrived.  

We grabbed the first spot we found along the road and made our way to the start of the trail.

I carried Keira on my back in an Ergo.  It's been a while since she's been in it.  I was a little worried she'd quickly get antsy but she did great.  She even played with my braids a little throughout the hike.  

As we were going in several hikers were coming out and some of them had buckets or bags full of berries!  We were heading in the right direction!  I had brought a ziplock bag myself.

Before we hit the fields, we came upon the river, a section of the hike called Yellowstone Prong.  If you headed right from here, you made your way to Second Falls; left to the fields and Upper Falls.  We crossed the bridge and explored the area a little. 

Other families were playing in the water or eating lunch, but we weren't quite ready to eat yet so we went on to the Second Falls. 

15 minutes & lots of stairs later we got to the bottom.  It was very pretty, but not someplace you want to let a toddler run around, so we headed back, past Yellowstone Prong and onto the fields.

This area was flat with lots of bushes... lots of berry bushes!

We could hear lots of hikers running around picking fruit, but we couldn't see them.  Not knowing what to look for we decided to ask the next hikers we ran into. There was a sweet little girl eating lunch in a tiny clearing, singing to herself while her parents were clearly on a fruit picking mission.  They looked like experts so we asked their advice.  They told us that these bushes were huckleberry bushes, not blueberry bushes like we had originally thought.  You just have to look carefully along the trail for them, but you may have to go off the trail some too. We stuck close by but not too close as not to encroach on their territory!  I wasn't too keen off roading it so we stuck close to the trail and got to picking, as well.

Keira was a little bored, as you can see!  Too young yet to leave her in a clearing like the little girl we ran into earlier, she stayed on my back, but we did let her stretch her legs some.  She was mostly interested in the dirt though - my little tomboy! 

When I thought I picked enough to at least make some muffins we headed back to the river for lunch.  This was one of my favorite moments.  We parked ourselves on the rock near the bridge at Yellowstone Prong and enjoyed the scenery and the other hikers passing by.   

Dutchie did try to sneak a couple bites of our lunch, but Keira wouldn't have it!

It was about this time that some dark clouds were starting to roll in so we packed up and headed out.  When I got to the car, I looked at our loot... not too bad, enough to make what I wanted!  

We had a great time and I highly recommend the hike.  We'll have to come back again next summer.  We never made it to Upper Falls!  Until next year... 

By the way, check out what I made with our huckleberries, below or click here!

I'll be your huckleberry - the recipe.

After our hike to Graveyard Fields, I was on a search for a good huckleberry muffin recipe.  I came across one on Pinterest... of course, right?!?  There are some talented people out there and I am grateful that they share their secrets so openly! What I liked about this recipe, in particular, is that I already had most ingredients in my cupboard and fridge.  And while I love cooking with buttermilk (a usual in muffins), for a tiny recipe I didn't want to have to buy a whole quart and have most of it go to waste.  I was happy to see this recipe called for regular milk, which I happen to have a gallons of because of Keira!

These muffins turned out amazing!!! Because I made these so late in the day, I'm not ashamed to say that Ryan and I ended up eating a few (each!) in lieu of dinner.  I say eat, but what I really mean is devour.  You start with the perfect streusel top followed by a moist lemony muffin sprinkled with the perfect amount of sweet from the  huckleberries.  YUM!  If you don't have huckleberries, these would work with blueberries, blackberries and maybe even apples.

So, here's what you need to make Wild Mountain Huckleberry Muffins by the Rowdy Baker:

Huckleberries (and a few blackberries) we picked from our hike at Graveyard Fields!

For the Muffins

• 1 3/4 Cup Flour
• 1/3 Cup Sugar
• 2 1/2 Teaspoon Baking Powder
• 3/4 Teaspoon Salt
• 1 Teaspoon Grated Lemon Peel
• 3/4 Cup Huckleberries 
• 1 Egg (beaten well)
• 3/4 Cup Milk
• 1/3 Oil
• 1/2 Teaspoon Vanilla

For the Streusel (yes, yummy streusel!)

• 1/2 Cup Flour
• 1/2 Cup Chopped Walnuts
• 1/2 Cup Brown Sugar
• 4 Tablespoons Butter (melted)
• 1/2 Teaspoon Cinnamon

Note: The original recipe also includes an icing, but I didn't think the muffins needed it, especially with the streusel.  To find out how to make the icing visit The Rowdy Baker.

Be sure to pre-heat your over to 350 degrees before you start!

Step 1

Mix all the ingredients for the streusel topping & set aside.

Tip: Pack the brown sugar!

Step 2

In a large bow, mix the flour, sugar, baking powder & salt.  Sift twice.

Tip: There have been many times, I've skipped the sifting, mostly because of time, but since this was my first time attempting this recipe, I tried to follow it to the T.  It does make the mix very fine, which probably attributes to the end result in some positive way!

Step 3 

Add lemon zest & the berries to the flour mixture & toss.  

Tip:  It's easier to use a hand held grater rather than this big one.  One day I'll buy one, but until then...

Note: So, I misread the recipe and add all the berries at this point.  The original author, however, held some back and dropped them on top of the muffin before adding the streusel.  I always misread at least one step!

Step 4

In a medium sized bowl, mix the egg, milk (I used whole since I had it.), oil, and vanilla.  Make sure to mix well.

Step 5
Poor the wet mixture into the flour mixture, folding gently just until the dry mixture is evenly moistened.

Step 6
Divide batter evenly among 12 lined muffin cups.  This is the first recipe I've done where it actually made just 12 muffins.  I usually come up short!

Tip: The batter is very thick.  I ended up using one spoon to scoop the batter and another one to push the batter off the spoon into the muffin cup.

Step 7
Gently cover muffins with streusel mixture.

Tip:  The muffin will expand!  Try to keep the streusel more towards the middle of the muffin.  I didn't and some of my outlying streusel got kicked out of the muffins as they grew!

Step 8
Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes or until the toothpick test comes out clean.  The tops of the muffins will be slightly browned.

Step 9

Cool on a rack for about 10 minutes and then enjoy with a glass of milk! 

Check out where the berries came from, in my post titled, "I'll be you Huckelberry!" 

Keira speaks...

I've been meaning to write this entry for sometime now to document her talking progress! Trying to remember it all, even now, is difficult.  Some of the timeline is blurred.  Holding onto these precious memories REALLY IS like trying to hold sand in your hands.  So before it all slips away, let me tell you all about it.

It's crazy to think just how far we've come!  We may not be able to understand them right away, but I believe babies come out speaking their own language.  Small little oooohs and aaahhs quickly turn into cute jibber-jabber and I LOVE Keira's jibberish.  Even though we didn't and still don't understand all the words coming out of her mouth, she has always been very expressive and communicative.   At 7 months she definitely knew how to express unhappiness, but even better, she knew how to convey joy and lots of it, as expressed in this bath time video!

At the time, I remember wishing that I knew exactly what she was saying, but I got the message!  

While she was relatively easy to read, we longed to really communicate with her.  So, a little after this video we started to teach her how to sign.  She took to a few words well.  She signed: more, food, please, all done, milk and sleep. You know, the basic essentials!  I remember feeling elated when she picked these up.  Just being able to communicate these six words connected us even more to our little girl and helped us out tremendously with everyday tasks like feeding and sleeping.

As she got older her signing got better and her jibberish started to become more structured.  I could listen to her gab for hours.  It was hard to capture on camera, mostly because she'd stop as soon as I picked it up, but there have been many times Keira would have full conversations with herself (especially in the back seat of the car) or with us.  In this video, I happened to capture her talking to Ryan about playing knock-knock on the bed.

Not to long after this, Keira uttered her first intentional word. It was clear as day and took us by surprise.   What do you know?  Out of her mouth came the word, no.  I guess we used it a lot!  Insert guilty look here.

Her little voice was so sweet and incredibly cute & tiny. The joy I felt when she signed was multiplied by a thousand with this development! This single word from her lips caused us to go into fits of laughter for quite some time!  Her voice sounded exactly as I had imagined it would but oddly, she had, what sounded like, a mid-northern accent that reminded us of Bobby's mom from the 90's cartoon, Bobby's World.  Remember that gem?  It sounded like, nu-nu-nu, nu-nu. She grew out of it eventually, but I will never forget it.

No was the only word she could speak for weeks, so no matter what you asked she responded accordingly.  Yes was a little too demanding, so in its place was a high pitched hmmm!  Ryan and I milked it for all it was worth and had a lot of fun with it, especially at bath time!

To my delight, her next word was mama!  One day when I came home from work, Ryan told me that as soon as Keira heard the garage door open, she got all excited and started saying, mama!  Do you know how incredible that makes a working mom feel?  I struggle and continue to struggle with believing that Keira may not love me as much as Ryan or even her nannies because I am away so many hours in the day, but in this case, she cared enough to notice that when the garage door opens it means that I'm home.  It melts my heart when I think about it and I secretly liked and also needed the assurance.  Whenever doubts arise about her love, I replay this moment in my head. I count it as Keira's gift to me!

Unfortunately, for Ryan, she also referred to him as mama for what seemed like forever.  He'd say, "No, I'm daddy," and she would laugh and say, mama as if to correct him.  I think she knew what she was doing!  Still, we'd try to teach her that I was mama, Ryan was dada and she was Keira - mama (pause) dada (pause) Keira... mama, dada, Keira, over and over again. When she responded she got the tone right, but the words always came out - mama, mama, mama!  Again, throwing us into laughing fits!

After mama, came bye and we all know the story about owl.  Then came, nigh-nigh, elmo and baby then finally came daddy!  Ryan was so happy that he texted me the news!  It was his turn to be reassured. Now that she has it down pat, she can't stop saying it all, Daddy-Mama-Daddy-Mama!  Still, no Keira but I'm sure it's coming soon.

I really could go on and on and on about other words she's picked up, but then this post would also go on and on! So this is the last one that I'll take the time to document, only because it's so darn cute. This weekend she learned to say her puppy's name, Dutchie!  

In this in-between stage, it's as if she's bilingual.  You see, she speaks both baby jibber-jabber but fully understands everything we say.  If I tell her to it's time to eat, she goes towards the kitchen. If I tell her it's time for a bath, she follows. If I tell her we have to go somewhere, she gets her shoes... she's FULLY aware.  Clearly, she's been talking to us for a longtime but we are only now beginning to understand her. Since the time she first said no, the words have come like an avalanche, slow at first but increasingly quicker.  Everyday she's learning something new and all of sudden the jibberish baby talk we've become accustomed to getting from her is quickly being translated into words and those words are now turning into phrases!  It's so funny to hear her saying all sorts of unrecognizable stuff and right in the middle of it, you'll hear daddy, mama, dutchie, owl!

Unfortunately, the jibber-jabber of her baby speak will eventually disappear.  It's a dying language, after all. As the words and phrases increase, the former will naturally decrease.  Sure, I'll miss it, but if there's one thing I love more than the jibberish, it's the clarity of her words!  Nothing is as sweet as hearing, nigh-nigh daddy and bye-bye-mama!  

It won't be long before we can have full fledged conversations and right now, I can't get enough. When Keira speaks, my heart skips a beat!  I want to hear her talk all the time.  It's music to my ears and I hope I never tire of it, although, I know eventually I will.  I will forget the newness of it all and take it for granted.   So just do me this one favor... please remind me of this post when one day way into a future, I write about my dealings and struggles with a very mouthy teenager!

For now, I'll just take it all in one sweet word at a time and let Keira say bye-bye until we meet again!